The New Normal: Labored Breathing

Dear You,

I.  MISS. YOU.  Truly, madly, for real.  At the moment, my eyelids are propped up by a cup of coffee overheated by 20 seconds….ie scalding.  It’s the cup o’ joe that accompanies me through the day.  Who knows how many times it revisits the microwave.  Who knows.  At the moment, one boy is sleeping and one boy isn’t.  Question – why aren’t wet nurses still a thing?

My fingers itch to type and talk with you, it’s the brain that’s struggling to keep up!  My brain is half on and half off….. I have said some truly ridiculous things in the past six weeks.  How has it been six weeks since September 29???  The boy who looked like this:

Now looks like this:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, baby boys are delicious.  I feel so honored to have these two under our roof and under our wings. Who knows if I’ll ever have experience as a girl mom, but I relish the two precious boys God has trusted me with.  Now….sometimes I question His mental stability if He looked at me and actually said ‘Yep – let’s trust her with human lives.’  LOL!  I jest.  But really.  Now more than ever, I feel so far from perfect.  Also more okay with that but still far far far away from perfection.  I’ve heard people say that the transition from one to two is more challenging than two to three.  Let’s HOPE that’s true!

Want to know a funny?  I just started hearing a rushing bubbling sound and my brain was so perplexed.  I thought it was the ice maker in the freezer.  Then it occurred to me that our ice maker doesn’t currently work.  Then I just thought it was the refrigerator (pronounced fidgalator if you’re a three year old living in this house).  Then I smelled food.  So I turned around.  Oh yeah!  I was warming up soup for lunch!  Who knew?!  It’s now scalding (much like the aforementioned coffee) and has been boiling for who knows how long.  Eh.  I’ll eat it anyways!  Such a perfect little insight into the functioning of my brain, yay!

Watching brother so intently:

I’m aching to get back into the swing of blogging every Friday.  Mostly, I think, because it’s something that I can focus on that doesn’t involve keeping people alive for just 30 minutes.  As honest as I am about how challenging I find this season and this transition, I have to be honest and say that the hard factor has gone way up but the reward/love factor has gone up even higher.  I LOVE being a mom.  It is even better the second time around, in my personal opinion.  It is way better!  The transition from zero to one child is such a shock to the system.  Your whole life is turned upside down and nothing remains the same.  Your precious bundle makes you feel all kinds of depths of love never before felt, but your life is lost more each month and the new life of being parents establishes itself more each month.  And it’s hard!  Wonderful and hard.  I have loooooved being a mom to our second baby because even the deep down hard moments of sleep deprivation, you know you’re going to make it.  I know it will be better tomorrow.  That coffee will help.  That He will give me what I need to keep going.  With Liam, I think I truly had (moments of) doubting whether or not I could actually sustain the level of commitment it took to be mommy.  Not long term doubting, but definite panic at a few particular moments!  It’s a joy to be able to just love your baby and to not fight the hard parts as much.  It’s a joy to be able to look at my bounding, chatty, funny three year old and to be reminded that each phase passes so quickly and that even the hard ones are beautiful because they are life.  And it’s TRULY wonderful to feel more proud of myself this time around.

I was working in an office full time when I had Liam.  I loved my job and the people I had the pleasure of working with.  Great experience.  I felt proud of my work there because I worked hard, did challenging things and found excellence.  Being a mom was just a different kind of hard and it took me some time (especially after becoming a full time stay at homer a year later) to feel like I was doing hard work.  Not less important work, but there was something about the specific challenge of my professional work that made me feel valid.  Well, I’m  here to tell you, that inner dilemma is gone gone gone.  I am really proud even on the days when my make up belongs to yesterday, I haven’t gotten dressed really, and I can’t remember the answer to ‘what’s your favorite movie?’ (granted that’s a complicated answer: Anne of Green Gables/Pride and Prejudice/You’ve Got Mail/The Bourne Trilogy/etc).  Even when I look like this:

I am proud.  (Took this pic just before I started typing – unwashed face and the need for a shower is very real).  Because I know that I’ll get back to the point of being able to get myself dressed and them dressed in the same day.  Today, we shared some bear hugs, I refrained from having a meltdown (win), I got to look deeply into the big blue eyes of Shepherd and tell him how much I love him, Liam had a piggy back ride on me that made him laugh with abandon and call me his horsey, I got to share time with a friend that means so much to me, and I have worked hard.  I’ve worked hard at loving, at keeping sweet boys alive, at sharing with a friend, at remembering my husband and how hard he works for our family, and oh yes, I’ve turned off the water to our dishwasher to stop a leak from continuing.  Now that’s impressive.

So my new normal is starting to be discovered.  It’s edging up over the horizon and I like it.  I’m beyond thankful for the gift of two children. Two lives!  Wow. And could they be more precious?  No.  Even in the way challenging moments, no they could not be more precious or valuable.

The new normal makes my breathing labored every single day.  It makes me pant lol!  But it’s good because I am pressing in.  These two are my mantras in this season:

2 Corinthians 2:9  “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

I try to let those roll over inside of me again and again and again.  

I love you for reading.  For connecting with me.  I wish you could tell me how the past few weeks have been in your life!  Have you had any great coffee?  Any truly good chocolate?  These are the things I need to know, friends. Has He been teaching you anything in the quiet places of your thoughts?  

I’m going to put together some more thoughts on the realities of pressing in for next Friday.  If you have any thoughts on that topic – please reach out to me!  I’d love to hear of your experience.  

Much love and happy weekending y’all,

Abi The Tired

1 Comment

  1. Well done, sistah! This was terrific. I loved getting an honest peek behind your four walls these days. Your voice is one we need to hear from…and often. So proud of you!! Loved it and love you.

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