Happy Friday, Reader!
Today I’m pondering a shift that has been slowly taking place in me and it has to do with the c-word. Control sister! It’s been occurring to me more and more that I’m a picture person. Are you a picture person? If you’ve read my recent posts (like this one, or this one), you’ve heard me talk about being a picture person.
It’s not so much being an actual picture person – as in pictures covering my walls – but a picture person in that I picture everything in my mind. Things that will happen five minutes from now or things that may happen five years from now – this little brain can seamlessly slip into picture world. Sometimes I realize in an instant that I’ve spent the past five minutes picturing something in the future. Hello, Earth to me! Or maybe it’s not even an event that I picture. Maybe it’s the reaction on someone’s face when I say something. Or maybe it’s an argument that I cook up in my mind based solely on how I picture a conversation going (before it even happens, mind you.) Weird stuff – take my word for it!
Truth be told, I believe that dreaming is a big part of hope and faith in God! So, not all picturing/dreaming should be cause for concern. But I have REPEATEDLY ran smack into a fatty fat wall when the reality that the Lord has for me unfolds in a different way than the picture I lovingly held in my mind and heart. Did you know that I have recently become intimately acquainted with temper tantrums? Oh yes! When a certain two year old I know, hits the right scenario and doesn’t get his way…well let’s just say I’ve seen some very real expression of revolt come from that darling little one. But if I’m honest, I can totally relate to his displays lol! When my real picture doesn’t line up with the picture I’ve had in my heart – that tantrum occurs can occur in me too.
Ahhhh my pictures. Maybe you can relate to some of my pictures:
I picture how a Saturday will go
I picture how a friend will feel or respond when I do something in the “I’m-a-great-friend-zone” (so embarrassing to admit this)
I picture what my husband will say when he realizes how productive I’ve been (this rarely sets me up for success)
I picture Christmases in the future with a house-full of big kids in matching pajamas (we’ll see)
I picture celebrating our tenth anniversary in Europe
I picture our next baby and his/her birthday (now I ask you, how could I possibly know his birthday)
I picture the look in his eyes after I’ve gotten dressed up for a date
I picture you reading this blog
I picture me becoming some sort of other-earthly-machine-of-a-worker-outer (after the next baby of course)
I picture my hair on my next great hair day
I picture how I’ll respond next time we get into that disagreement
Oh honey, I’m just getting started! My list of pictures could go on and on and on and on. They range from momentary to far in the future and from teeny tiny to big and mighty.
But you know what, I’m just about ready to give up. That may sound dark but bear with me because I think it’s actually a thing of beauty.
It’s not to say that my pictures are bad! I honestly don’t look at the above list and see too many issues there – I like my pictures! And frankly I’m not certain that turning off the entire part of your heart that sees the future – even if it’s five minutes from now – is a good thing. Dreaming breeds hope and hope IS good!
Did you know that I’m freshly 32? Yes, well I’ve come to the conclusion that tantrums don’t look very cute on a 32 year old! And I’m just kind of ready to give up control of my pictures. Because at the root of many of my pictures is what I perceive as my own control of my happiness. And that can lead to me doing some fairly funky things to protect my pictures. Yes? Yes. Funky indeed.
What if I gave up? What if I gave up some of the pictures and instead invested my energy in asking myself a few questions:
“Do I trust God?”
“Do I trust God?”
“Do I trust God?”
Because if I do trust Him, that enables me to let go of my grasp on my pictures a little bit. Perhaps I can just be okay if I don’t get that affirmative feedback after a hugely productive day. Perhaps that tenth anniversary will be celebrated in a way that I have never even thought of. Perhaps my feelings about myself need not come from how a friend responds to me but instead how the Lord responds to me. You see where this is going.
When my pictures become the definition of happiness, security, and success, they leave little room for the creativity and control of my Father – Who has been nothing but faithful to me. He’s been nothing but faithful my friend!
The truth is that I love dreaming and I think God is in it. I’m just learning to separate dreaming from creating my own controlled environment in which MY happiness is the only player that matters. Whew, help me Jesus!
So, my reader friend, I hope you have such a good weekend. A weekend full of unexpected and unpictured and unanticipated fun…just as a little reminder that life can be so sweet when we let go.