Hello my friends!
I can’t tell you how many times over the past weeks I have wanted to sit down and blog. A thought for a post would come to me or a picture would trigger me. But then a whole lotta nothing would happen. This quiet fear would start creeping up my throat and make me start to feel squirmish all over. Now I ask you – does that sound healthy or right? No, indeed it does not!
It has become so consistent that I’ve had to take a real look at this fear and try to get to the bottom of it. I’m certain you can relate. Maybe not all the time, but there are things we know we’re supposed to do – even called to do – that just make us wriggle on the inside.
I have become a scaredy cat when it comes to blogging! Since, I’ve said it, I’m hoping this post will just start flowing off of my typing fingers now :).
Fear is never just fear, is it? It’s often accompanied with specific thoughts. And so, in an effort to disarm these stupid little thoughts I have decided to expose them for all they are – in their fullness and in the light.
Here are the thoughts I would (and still have) had roll through ye ole brain:
– Who are you to blog? Did you just decide to give yourself a position, a title, and therefore you are a blogger now? Did you nominate yourself as ‘special enough to blog?’
– Whatever I have to say will just come off as self-centeredness so that I can hear myself think/talk. No one likes the know-it-all, Abi.
– Maybe you really are all about yourself, anyways, and that’s what this whole blog thing is for you.
– You aren’t even a funny blogger. You’re so serious – all the time. Your favorite bloggers are funny – why can’t you be funny?
– Is it possible to be transparent enough to be real while still protecting the honor and privacy of my husband and son?
– Am I too transparent at times? I always feel weird after the transparent posts.
There are probably more thoughts that come but those are the biggies. Can I just say, it was really really really good to just get those out and down! I didn’t list those out in order to garner lots of pity or refuting responses! LOL. I just think there’s power in shedding light on stupidity. It somehow loses a great deal of power the second light hits it, don’t you think?
Soooo this little internal storm has brought me to weeks and weeks of sporadic or no posts at all. Not that I think people are waiting with baited breath! But, it did make me start to ask myself why I blog.
My blog is part this, part that, part who knows what and so there are many reasons. Part of my reasoning is that I am crazy about my little boy and I love the opportunity to document his development, personality and growth. I look back at posts I did when he was six months old and seriously cannot clearly remember the stories I told about him at the time. I am thankful to have my own account of him because this is all going way too quickly to remember each precious moment!
But there are other reasons, too. From the time I was about sixteen, I had a recurring coversation/question with God. It went something like, ‘God what do you want from my life?’ The answer has never changed and it’s been so consistent that I’ve never questioned if I was making it up. It’s always been the simple answer: ‘I want your voice.’ Don’t get me wrong – no audible voice was heard and there is absolutely the chance that there is a lot of me mixed in there. But the words always came with a quieting peace that settled me and comforted me, so I just go with – that was God.
My voice. I’m not exactly sure what that really means. But, until it becomes clear I have tried to pursue opportunities that allow me to stretch my voice – to flex that muscle – to practice. I joined a worship team a few years ago because it was an opportunity to stretch that aspect of the voice muscle – NOT because I think I should go be a musician lol. No. I grew so much from that, though. I was challenged and stretched in very new ways. And my voice got stronger!
Blogging is a stretching exercise for me. It’s a place to practice using my voice through my fingers. It’s a place where I can get messy, make mistakes, and practice communicating what is inside to the outside world. It is funny how you can have so much stirring on the inside but realize, oh so quickly, how half-baked it is when you start to talk it out. Or in this case, type it out.
I am a believer that there is greatness on the inside of each of us that is destined to come out. I think there are things inside the hearts of each of us that stir passions and tap into our true purposes. But, what are we supposed to do before those big opportunities come? I think we’re supposed to do the small things that seem like they could maybe relate to the future in some way, shape or form. I think we’re supposed to be watchful for opportunities that allow us to work the muscles of our dreams before it’s time to actually play in the big game.
Today, I recommit to stretching my voice muscle and to resisting the voice of fear. Not to gain a big readership – but to be faithful with the little. Hopefully, you can relate! Hopefully, I’m not too alone in this boat!
So, I’d really like to thank you. Thank you for reading if you are reading! LOL. Thank you for patiently allowing me to be obedient in the way I know how to.
And here’s to hoping that God will maybe shower me with the gift of funny storytelling as I continue to try to blog, because I DO LOVE a funny story! 🙂