Category: trusting God

Breaking Up with Disappointment

I am a glass half-full person.  You? Half-full or half-empty?

But there are layers of processing each of us need to do, at the right time, to keep following Healing.

A few days ago, this picture popped into my thoughts.

If you have eyes in your head, you can see that that is not one person.  It is two people.  The one with crazy (er) hair is disappointment: sometimes so one with us that we forget we aren’t one unit.  The silent vibe would be Abi + disappointment = Me

I don’t walk around nursing disappointment! Gag.  Nonetheless, my personal belief is that God has grace for us to shed hidden disappointment, when He says it’s time.  The follow up belief is, if He shows you hidden disappointment or you simply become aware of it, then He’s saying it’s time.  Simple.

The first picture is disturbing, isn’t it?! What I call ‘me’ and normalize and embrace is me plus one.

But disappointment isn’t a slightly sour companion.  It’s a jailer.

That’s disappointment laying on the floor with her whacked hair and she’s reaching right for your wrists and your ankles.  She has you chained: attaching you to the past. Attaching us to where we were and what we lost.  Staking us into that ground….which is gone and behind us now.  But still holding us.

Dang.

That can be an overwhelming realization, can’t it? That the thing we no longer even identify as foreign in us, has silently become one with us and tied us to something.

You know what doesn’t have to be overwhelming? BREAKING UP WITH IT.

If you’re identifying with this, you’ve already taken a giant step towards a breakup.  Or is it break up? As you can see in the next drawing, I’m confused about what it should be.

Can breaking up be simple? Oh yes, yes.  Yes, it can.  We turn to Truth and believe.  It’s so simple it is mind boggling.

In the Bible, the book of Luke, chapter 4 and verse 18 says:

The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me (the Messiah),
Because He has anointed Me to preach the good news to the poor.
He has sent Me to announce release (pardon, forgiveness) to the captives,
And recovery of sight to the blind,
To set free those who are oppressed (downtrodden, bruised, crushed by tragedy),”

Jesus is the power to release the captives, to set us free.  So, yeah, it’s a matter of deciding you believe the truth more than the lie.  And the truth is, disappointment is not a part of you.  It’s not your friend.  It’s not telling you the truth.  And it’s holding you back from moving forward.  Break up with the lie.  You are separate from disappointment.  You are not one with it.  You stand on your own.  It does not need to have permission to stand with you any longer.

What happens to it, post break up?  Well, I like to picture it getting scooped into a massive fisherman’s net. (Refer to above picture, hehe)  Arms flailing, angry as all get out, but trapped.  And sent into the darkness.

Breaking up with disappointment does not mean we do not feel disappointment.  It does not mean we don’t need to deal with disappointment.  It means we break up with our ongoing relationship with it and we quit identifying ourselves with it.    

You can do it!  I can do it!

Much love to you today!  I’m personally hoping for a more lighthearted subject for our next time together, ha!  But, I am brimming with hope for us and I’m tempted to dance over the thought of how many break ups may ensue.

Honest Abi and her stick figures

 

 

Unchaining from Stories that are Untrue

Stories are being breathed in us, around us, through us most all of the time.

I tell myself stories.  You tell yourself stories.  And then, there are the myriad of stories that track us down, on repeat.

My imagination has always been vivid.  Since I was a little girl, scene upon scene, like a movie, could play out in my mind.  And shockingly, they always felt real.  I used to be embarrassed when I would snap out of the mind-world and realize I had just spent five whole minutes living in a reality that was most certainly not real.  The older I have become, embarrassment seems to be more and more unproductive. I’ve been able to pivot from embarrassment to curiosity.  Curiosity tells me to step back and observe the story I was pulled into.  What can I see?  What true desires do I see playing themselves out in the movie of my mind?

But, there are times a story feels so strong and binding that it begins to be real.  And we can’t tell where story/emotions begin and truth ends.  We can’t see through it all sometimes.  We feel owned by this story breathing down our necks even the first time we open our eyes in the morning.

For these purposes, a story is not necessarily a scene playing out in our minds.  A story is any thought that tells you a narrative based on a fact.

Example:

Fact: I drop three things consecutively as I rush around to get out the door.

Story: “Why do these things always happen to me? This is too hard.  Everything is against me.”

It sounds dramatic and it is dramatic.  Which is why these stories so often play out in our recesses.  Not in big obvious thought patterns…but in the inner agreement place of thinking/feeling/being that is the foundation of our big obvious thoughts.

If you’ve been alive for a minute, you know that this example is the cotton candy version of what can easily become.

Stories can escalate quickly, can’t they?  We can easily and suddenly find ourselves feeling trapped by what feels real but isn’t.  And that’s a scary feeling.  Months ago, I found myself so owned by a narrative in my mind that it felt like I was walking the tight rope of stability.  I felt like I was spinning into outer space…orbiting and tumbling and floating in this crazy world of story and I could see it wasn’t reality.  I could.  But it felt so real that I became desensitized to the difference between what is real and what feels real.

Distrust sets in.  It’s nearly worse than the orbiting itself: feeling as if you are no longer capable finding truth, seeing it and letting it become your anchor.

But, you can see through all of this can’t you.  If you’re in a place like this right now, I want to speak truth to you.  Whether you are dealing with a pesky story of un-truth that occasionally nags you… or if you totally relate to spinning out of control in the world of a story that has gripped you with its believability, truth is the only thing that sets us free.

And the truth is:

You have to get angry.

This story is not who you are.  It is your enemy.  It does not have good intentions for you and it is not watching out for you and it is not guarding you.  It wants you to fall deeper and deeper into the world of illusion where it can tell you things that look and smell real but are so far from truth it’s ridiculous.  It wants to slide right up next to TRUTH and pick up a few characteristics of it but in the roots of it, differ wildly.

And you, dear friend, must become angry enough to fight.  Truth is what He came for.  Truth is what He bought for you.  Truth is His name.  Truth is what He promised you.  And He said that He came to set the captives free…..that’s me and that’s you.

So, this captivity can end.  In reality…the real reality… it has already ended.  You can already tell it where to go.  You are on top of it.  And this is where you simply must suffocate the emotions.

We do not intend to live detached from our emotions.  But, when they come into agreement with a story that holds us captive, there’s no question, they ain’t your friend.

So listen to me:

You are strong.  You are connected to Truth.  You have power.  You are not a powerless victim beholden to a story of oppression.  You, dear person, are alive.  You have breath in your lungs.  AND THAT means that there are things for you to do.  He is one of freedom.  Freedom is a guarantee, if you so choose it.

I am praying for you.  I am asking God to stir enough anger and clarity in you to see the story and to gather enough belief to see yourself unchaining from it.  Literally.  Picture the story/untruth and you with a heavy, thick chain attaching you to each other.  And now, look at your other hand and see that there is a key in it.  Unlock the lock.  Unchain yourself and turn away.  Step away from the chain.  Feel the sunlight on your face.

And then, hear all of heaven roaring with joy because truth won.

You have people in your corner.  Tell them.  Strength comes in numbers and so very often, inviting even one other person in to hear the story you feel chained to, is enough to at least give you enough courage to think that perhaps you could unchain from it.  That’s a beginning.

I am for you.  But, He is for you in a deluging force of a way.

That’s true.

Honest Abi

Confessions of a Picture Person

Happy Friday, Reader!

Today I’m pondering a shift that has been slowly taking place in me and it has to do with the c-word. Control sister! It’s been occurring to me more and more that I’m a picture person. Are you a picture person? If you’ve read my recent posts (like this one, or this one), you’ve heard me talk about being a picture person.

It’s not so much being an actual picture person – as in pictures covering my walls – but a picture person in that I picture everything in my mind. Things that will happen five minutes from now or things that may happen five years from now – this little brain can seamlessly slip into picture world. Sometimes I realize in an instant that I’ve spent the past five minutes picturing something in the future. Hello, Earth to me! Or maybe it’s not even an event that I picture. Maybe it’s the reaction on someone’s face when I say something. Or maybe it’s an argument that I cook up in my mind based solely on how I picture a conversation going (before it even happens, mind you.) Weird stuff – take my word for it!

Truth be told, I believe that dreaming is a big part of hope and faith in God! So, not all picturing/dreaming should be cause for concern. But I have REPEATEDLY ran smack into a fatty fat wall when the reality that the Lord has for me unfolds in a different way than the picture I lovingly held in my mind and heart. Did you know that I have recently become intimately acquainted with temper tantrums? Oh yes! When a certain two year old I know, hits the right scenario and doesn’t get his way…well let’s just say I’ve seen some very real expression of revolt come from that darling little one. But if I’m honest, I can totally relate to his displays lol! When my real picture doesn’t line up with the picture I’ve had in my heart – that tantrum occurs can occur in me too.

Ahhhh my pictures. Maybe you can relate to some of my pictures:

I picture how a Saturday will go

I picture how a friend will feel or respond when I do something in the “I’m-a-great-friend-zone” (so embarrassing to admit this)

I picture what my husband will say when he realizes how productive I’ve been (this rarely sets me up for success)

I picture Christmases in the future with a house-full of big kids in matching pajamas (we’ll see)

I picture celebrating our tenth anniversary in Europe

I picture our next baby and his/her birthday (now I ask you, how could I possibly know his birthday)

I picture the look in his eyes after I’ve gotten dressed up for a date

I picture you reading this blog

I picture me becoming some sort of other-earthly-machine-of-a-worker-outer (after the next baby of course)

I picture my hair on my next great hair day

I picture how I’ll respond next time we get into that disagreement

Oh honey, I’m just getting started! My list of pictures could go on and on and on and on. They range from momentary to far in the future and from teeny tiny to big and mighty.

But you know what, I’m just about ready to give up. That may sound dark but bear with me because I think it’s actually a thing of beauty.

It’s not to say that my pictures are bad! I honestly don’t look at the above list and see too many issues there – I like my pictures! And frankly I’m not certain that turning off the entire part of your heart that sees the future – even if it’s five minutes from now – is a good thing. Dreaming breeds hope and hope IS good!

Did you know that I’m freshly 32? Yes, well I’ve come to the conclusion that tantrums don’t look very cute on a 32 year old! And I’m just kind of ready to give up control of my pictures. Because at the root of many of my pictures is what I perceive as my own control of my happiness. And that can lead to me doing some fairly funky things to protect my pictures. Yes? Yes. Funky indeed.

What if I gave up? What if I gave up some of the pictures and instead invested my energy in asking myself a few questions:

“Do I trust God?”
“Do I trust God?”
“Do I trust God?”

Because if I do trust Him, that enables me to let go of my grasp on my pictures a little bit. Perhaps I can just be okay if I don’t get that affirmative feedback after a hugely productive day. Perhaps that tenth anniversary will be celebrated in a way that I have never even thought of. Perhaps my feelings about myself need not come from how a friend responds to me but instead how the Lord responds to me. You see where this is going.

When my pictures become the definition of happiness, security, and success, they leave little room for the creativity and control of my Father – Who has been nothing but faithful to me. He’s been nothing but faithful my friend!

The truth is that I love dreaming and I think God is in it. I’m just learning to separate dreaming from creating my own controlled environment in which MY happiness is the only player that matters. Whew, help me Jesus!

So, my reader friend, I hope you have such a good weekend. A weekend full of unexpected and unpictured and unanticipated fun…just as a little reminder that life can be so sweet when we let go.

Happy weekend!

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