Hello there. I’ve had so many blog posts rise up in my heart since I last wrote but everything seems awkward without first following up from my last post. Seems a little odd to go from ‘here’s a story about miscarriage’ to ‘I LOVE MY LIFE!’ LOL. You get it.
It’s been four weeks today….deep exhale.
Here’s the good news. The nearness of God and protection we’ve experienced was not a short-lived fluke! It has remained. It has rested on us. Over the weeks, of course, I’ve had my share of grieving thoughts like “Why us? Why now? It’s not fair….” I’m sure you can continue on from there to fill in the remaining blanks. BUT the redeeming news is that those questions have not seeped into my soul. Know what I mean? I don’t think I’d be very human if the thoughts didn’t come. But, listen, I’ve been around the block a few times folks. When the time is right – I’m going to write the entirety of our story up to this point in our lives. Let me just say though, we’ve wrestled disappointment, attack, sickness, and long periods of time waiting to see God move when we desperately needed Him to move. By long periods of time – I refer to years :).
Thank God (seriously) that He’s given me time to learn certain truths about Him. He IS good. Painful things happen to all of us. Not due to lack of faith or failure. In fact, I think it’s simple-minded of us to ascribe a theological formula to experiences like this because let’s face it – He’s God and I’m most certainly NOT! All I know is that painful things happen from time to time. I don’t think He likes it. I don’t think He’s okay with it. I think that he holds the tears that fall from our eyes so very close to His heart. But in our experiences over the years – I have seen Him work through and in every single challenge we’ve walked through. I don’t use the word challenge lightly. At times I wondered if we would make it through those challenges! But time gives me the opportunity to look back and see Him. What seemed so wrong at the time – still looks wrong now but I can see what He did to redeem.
So I think I’ve just been down that road too many times: experiencing unexpected grief, allowing an accusation to build inside me against God, and in retrospect looking back and seeing the (sometimes) years of intimacy with Him that it cost me. Believe me, it’s a tad difficult to be close to someone when something inside of you is questioning their trustworthiness. And I have tasted close – it’s so much richer than being acquaintances. It’s just not worth it to me to accuse Him of being someone He’s not. Because in time He always shows His character. Always.
Whew enough preaching. So – I still have emotional moments. There are still sad times. But mostly – life is beautiful. Liam and I went to the park today and played our hearts out. I mean, that’s beautiful. And we truly feel we have the gift of a second child in our hearts. This little person has opened another level of relationship with Him that has been beautiful. I am thankful for that and trusting for the days ahead.
If you read the last post and left a comment on the blog itself or on facebook – thank you so very much. Wow – Zion and I were both deeply touched by your love.
This is the first full week that has felt back to normal. My house has actually been pretty clean which truly does some deep things for the spirit! LOL. We’ve been back in our groove and with the touch of coolness that hit the air last night – I am invigorated! Fall is so wonderful and it’s easy to see the goodness of God when the heat lifts and those cool breezes start rushing. Bring on pumpkins, chai, sweaters, and walks through a neighborhood full of color. Bring it.
Much love and happy weekending to you,